‘GAYS UNDERMINING MARRIAGE’, SAYS PRESS RELEASE

April 10, 2011

The gay lobby continues to undermine the sacrosanct institution of marriage, according to a damning new report by a PR company.

Dichs&Lobley have made the report available to hungry journalists in the past week and are delighted with the coverage.

“We’re very pleased about the exposure we’re getting. We’ve been in the business for years and we know how to play the press. When we were offered a skip-full of cash to promote homophobia, covert racism and general intolerance towards minorities, we were delighted with the opportunity.”

PASSAGES

Commenting on the difficulties they had conveying complex ideas to a readership with the mental age of a dead monkey, chief executive of Dichs&Lobley, Tristram Dichs added,

“It very difficult to distil lots of material down to sizes that the average gutter journalist can accommodate. Large passages are usually disappointing and put punters off. Size is important, and knowing when to release: timing is everything.”

PROMISCUITY

Julian Gaggin, spokesgay for gay advocacy group Rings of Ire, says marriage has many benefits which shouldn’t be denied to gays and lesbians:

“For too long we’ve been denied the frisson of adultery. We have to make do with just old-fashioned promiscuity but marriage would open up a whole new world of excitement and moral degradation. Just think of the extra-marital affairs. Sex was starting to get dull for fags, and we’re tired of bareback sex with strangers. Even the monthly HIV test has lost its excitement. We want something new–we want marriage– and it’s a contravention of our rights to deny it.”

“We are also worried that the conservative press might tire of boring stories about cottaging and gay orgies. Gays are secretly worried that the tabs will move on to other outgroups. We’re terrified of the day we wake up and there’s not a single sensationalised story about dirty gays. If we don’t have the right to adultery then it will be Asians making middle England gag on its porridge.”

WICKEDNESS

Felony Milps, of Decent Ordinary Christians Keeping Institutions Not Gay, opined that gays are trying to ruin a millenia-old tradition which has its roots in the inviolable wisdom of some old books.

“There is lots of evidence that gays make bad parents. Marriage must be between a man and a woman because it is the normative coupling in nature and the only one which can produce children into a safe, loving home environment which in turn produces unquestioning Judeo-Christian traditionalists thereby ensuring that normal values are ensured and enshrined in society as they ought to be according to the traditional traditions which have been the bedrock of civilisation and are unalterable and not subject to scrutiny nor any meddling by devious multicultural relativistic liberals who regularly resort to the sneaky tactics like independent thought, reasoning, logic and the wickedness of empirical evidence.”

PUBESCENT

Ed Todgebury, Conservative MP for Girthing Frockett and Minister for Fairness, has been leading a campaign in the Commons to put an end to homosexual behaviour with the exception of elite private schools.

“It’s alright in the boarding school dorm but when one reaches school-leaving age one must no longer tumesce when one espies the exquisite globularity of a pubescent boy’s bottom.”

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Now that didn’t take long, did it?

May 12, 2010

daily mail middle classes cameron clegg

Less than 24 hours into the new government and the middle classes are under siege again. Business as usual.


What a pity that the Tories didn’t win outright

May 12, 2010

I am regretting slightly that the Conservatives didn’t win an overall majority. Can you imagine if Cameron were today leading a Conservative government? What would the ambiance be like tomorrow in the conference rooms of the Tory press? Can you imagine being a news editor in the Daily Mail? Where does the material come from if not NuLiebour and Gordon Broon? You’re fucked. The tabs have been spoon-fed anti-Labour stories for 13 years. Eurosceptic PR, MigrationWatchUK, Taxpayers’ Alliance to hint at just a few. Easy, juicy, pre-written news fodder. And overnight it all vanishes. Three glorious years of vilifying Gordon Brown is over. Who to blame for chavs, immigrants, rapists, speed cameras, elf ‘n’ safety, council tax, stealth taxes, broken Britain, single mothers, benefit scroungers, human rites, political correctness? Who does a columnist turn to when stripped of his subject? Screwed, totally screwed. They certainly carry on for a while and blame it all on the legacy of Labour. But after a couple of years it starts to ring hollow. Incredulity incubates and people stop believing that Labour can be responsible for a stabbing in Basingstoke, two years out of government.  But in coalition with the Lib Dems I think the tabs have a substitute scapegoat who can be blamed for anything that goes wrong in Britain as long as they’re power-sharing. And I can’t help feeling a little disappointed about that.


John Cleese on PR, 1987

May 8, 2010

The moral regression of Melanie Phillips

May 6, 2010

I have read the journalistic nonsense of Melanie Phillips for some years and it continues to surprise me how she actually gets away with it. She is a big fish in the conservative movement but in a riposte to Jonathan Freedland she coyly denied this:

Jonathan justifies his attack by claiming that I have massive influence. Would that it were so! I remain, alas, merely one journalist trying to tell the truth as I see it. Jonathan can breathe easily again.

Whatever the scale of her influence in 2007, and it was big, her influence is indeed massive in 2010: Lecturing widely, contributing to Fox News, a Daily Mail column, blogging at the Spectator, writing for the Jewish Chronicle, appearing on Question Time and BBC 4’s Moral Maze, promoting books–that’s massive. Liberal-minded people must watch with horror as her influence expands and the rhetoric intensifies. This week alone has seen her launch a new book as well as having a cover story in the Spectator.

Her big theme (aside from the Middle East, a subject for another day), abundantly reinforced throughout her writing, is that atheism, rationalism and the like are bad and Judeo-Christian voodoo is actually authentic reason. This is an attempt by one journalist to rewrite three millenia of philosophy. All the brilliant philosophers have been wasting their brains since Christianity because Phillips has figured it all out. Read the rest of this entry »


Remember Iraq on May 6

May 5, 2010

The political squabbling in the last days of canvassing season is an embarrassment to a nation which, if it stands for anything, should be voting in a single-issue election–Iraq. ‘Fairness’ seems to be the a frequent motif peppering the political guff. Brown think’s he’s been fair but he could have been a tad fairer, to be fair. He could have started by not supporting an illegal war. Cameron thinks that the ‘big society’ project will encourage fairness as a bovine electorate stands in for mutilated public services. Might prove to be fair, we’ll see. But the Tories would have fairly pounded the shit out of Iraq had they been in power too. Read the rest of this entry »


Election limericks to help you through the weekend

April 30, 2010

Out canvassing in Rochdale town
An old bag started heckling Brown
But back in his motor
He berated the voter
Now his ratings are spiralling down

Nick Clegg and his liberal mates
Got a boost from a TV debate
But he said to the nation
“Not so bad, immigration”
Now the tabloids are all in a state

Dave and his cronies from Eton
Were taking a bit of a beatin’
But because of Brown’s capers
And the bile in the papers
Number ten Dave will soon be a-greetin’