‘GAYS UNDERMINING MARRIAGE’, SAYS PRESS RELEASE

April 10, 2011

The gay lobby continues to undermine the sacrosanct institution of marriage, according to a damning new report by a PR company.

Dichs&Lobley have made the report available to hungry journalists in the past week and are delighted with the coverage.

“We’re very pleased about the exposure we’re getting. We’ve been in the business for years and we know how to play the press. When we were offered a skip-full of cash to promote homophobia, covert racism and general intolerance towards minorities, we were delighted with the opportunity.”

PASSAGES

Commenting on the difficulties they had conveying complex ideas to a readership with the mental age of a dead monkey, chief executive of Dichs&Lobley, Tristram Dichs added,

“It very difficult to distil lots of material down to sizes that the average gutter journalist can accommodate. Large passages are usually disappointing and put punters off. Size is important, and knowing when to release: timing is everything.”

PROMISCUITY

Julian Gaggin, spokesgay for gay advocacy group Rings of Ire, says marriage has many benefits which shouldn’t be denied to gays and lesbians:

“For too long we’ve been denied the frisson of adultery. We have to make do with just old-fashioned promiscuity but marriage would open up a whole new world of excitement and moral degradation. Just think of the extra-marital affairs. Sex was starting to get dull for fags, and we’re tired of bareback sex with strangers. Even the monthly HIV test has lost its excitement. We want something new–we want marriage– and it’s a contravention of our rights to deny it.”

“We are also worried that the conservative press might tire of boring stories about cottaging and gay orgies. Gays are secretly worried that the tabs will move on to other outgroups. We’re terrified of the day we wake up and there’s not a single sensationalised story about dirty gays. If we don’t have the right to adultery then it will be Asians making middle England gag on its porridge.”

WICKEDNESS

Felony Milps, of Decent Ordinary Christians Keeping Institutions Not Gay, opined that gays are trying to ruin a millenia-old tradition which has its roots in the inviolable wisdom of some old books.

“There is lots of evidence that gays make bad parents. Marriage must be between a man and a woman because it is the normative coupling in nature and the only one which can produce children into a safe, loving home environment which in turn produces unquestioning Judeo-Christian traditionalists thereby ensuring that normal values are ensured and enshrined in society as they ought to be according to the traditional traditions which have been the bedrock of civilisation and are unalterable and not subject to scrutiny nor any meddling by devious multicultural relativistic liberals who regularly resort to the sneaky tactics like independent thought, reasoning, logic and the wickedness of empirical evidence.”

PUBESCENT

Ed Todgebury, Conservative MP for Girthing Frockett and Minister for Fairness, has been leading a campaign in the Commons to put an end to homosexual behaviour with the exception of elite private schools.

“It’s alright in the boarding school dorm but when one reaches school-leaving age one must no longer tumesce when one espies the exquisite globularity of a pubescent boy’s bottom.”

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Something fishy at the Express

April 1, 2010

It dawned on me recently that the best way to read a tabloid article is backwards. You might call this the Tabloid Law of Retrograde Veracity if you’re being a bit technical.

The Express leads with a big fat lie about a pet shop owner convicted for selling a goldfish to a minor. That would indeed be horrendous if true, but it’s not. The Express claims

CAMPAIGNERS last night rallied in protest over a pet shop owner who was tagged for selling a goldfish to a boy of 14.

Except, of course, she wasn’t. Trafford council, Conservative run, say otherwise

We would first like to reassure people that the main reason we took this prosecution was because the pet shop owner had caused unnecessary suffering to a Cockatiel which was found on sale in the shop. The prosecution was for the poor condition and distress a Cockatiel was found to be in at their store.

We were alerted to the fact that a young girl with learning difficulties entered the store in May last year and was able to purchase a gerbil without being asked for proof of age or given any advice about how to care for it. The gerbil subsequently died later that day after the child was unable to care for the animal. Trafford Council had, in November 08 warned the store about not supplying care information to customers. Major Pets is the only licensed pet shop licensed to sell Gerbils in Sale Town Centre.

And

Usually we would issue the store with a warning however a Council Animal Welfare Officer was present at the time and noticed that a cockatiel was in distress and called for a vet. The vet, an avian expert, diagnosed that the bird had a broken leg, was severely distressed and had a problem with its eye. The Cockatiel was in such a poor condition it had to be put down.

The express doesn’t mention the cockatiel until the end of the article and omits the detail of the broken leg. It also ignores the rather relevant incident of the girl with learning difficulties who was sold a gerbil which she later dispatched in a cup of coffee. Ouch. The other tabloids have parroted (sorry) similar versions of the story which feeds the world’s gone mad/elf ‘n’ safety anxiety addiction.


REDHEADS IN WEATHER LINK SHOCKER

March 11, 2010

The Sun, Star, Mail, Express, Telegraph and even the Times have all run with a ‘story’ about red hair being caused by ‘weather’, chiefly Scottish weather because you can stick a picture of a Scottish celeb into your page leaving less room for embarrassingly inept journalism.  This inane story originated in a genetics student’s musings in the Edinburgh University science magazine. I’m not sure how to express in words how stupid and lazy it is for a newspaper to publish this story. For most of the British press to publish it is weird.

The Mail ‘reveals’

The 26-year-old came up with the theory, ‘genetic mutation + bad weather = red heads’, in an article about her sister’s red hair for a University of Edinburgh magazine.

Ms Pritchard conceded her weather-based theory ‘was speculation rather than scientific study, but it is plausible’.

If it was speculation then why publish it?
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The Telegraph has this moronic juxtaposition: the sub-heading contains “new research has claimed” before opening the first paragraph with “The non scientific research found”.
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Not only is the story based on a non scientific article, it is obvious to fucking anyone why Africans are black and Europeans are white, even if we have to wait for geneticists to find proof. And it is a theory which has been around for tens if not hundreds of years. Can the national readership be this stupid?

Yet another climate sceptic lie

February 15, 2010

Since Saturday the Phil Jones’ Q&A on the BBC news website has been studiously analysed by the mental bloggers and inept hacks, with predictable results.

The Express trumphally heralds a great retreat:

No it’s not.

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The Daily Mail describes a U-turn with this headline:

Climategate U-turn as scientist at centre of row admits: There has been no global warming since 1995

No he didn’t.

They also had a Mail on Sunday Commentary with this heading:

The professor’s amazing climate change retreat

No it’s not.

.

This is the original Q&A exchange:

B – Do you agree that from 1995 to the present there has been no statistically-significant global warming

Yes, but only just. I also calculated the trend for the period 1995 to 2009. This trend (0.12C per decade) is positive, but not significant at the 95% significance level. The positive trend is quite close to the significance level. Achieving statistical significance in scientific terms is much more likely for longer periods, and much less likely for shorter periods.

And this is what the climate change sceptic/mendacious newspaper sees:

B – Do you agree that from 1995 to the present there has been no statistically-significant global warming

Yes, hje pldw klsl. O lwps clsoapedw bws aqlds ops hew skowie 1854 yu 2900. Hisd zmlxo (x.xx lew cnise) pa lowsipre, ncv mls qpvndkrie as pld xx% ampowus&sa wopol. Mne ghe£nmw powsl ml clpsaw nc re lkplodesi&w lposw. Cpxoews dioewjnf almpsideeve os clpoesfd nmnwa os micdj poer lmoes dsa lmode werop, nds ct£q wpls nvb lpoaud nmcds.


This is a very big lie. Professor Jones clearly describes a warming trend but calls it statistically insignificant because it doesn’t meet the rigorous criteria of scientific methodology. It’s depressing that the media aren’t similarly scrupulous.

And just this evening, FOX News described the no-warming trend and wheeled on a baulking head from the Cato institute for support; Cato is a pro-free-market spawning ground for fabulously tendentious ideas on how to erode government and fill the void with capitalist alternatives, it is not a scientific body but has been called upon by FOX to vomit its sceptical bile onto the climate ‘debate’.

This really is the reengineering of reality.